The news of an entire unit of mechanised infantry inclusive of its fighting vehicles moving towards Delhi from Hisar has sent shock waves throughout the government and has threatened to tear the very fabric of our evolved democracy.

Online sites have been going berzerk with supposed Conspirators ranging from the General VK Singh, the RSS and Mayawati. India TV has gone on to accuse the producers of Agent Vinod of this publicity stunt.

As news channels, newspapers face an unprecedented and severe backlash for their news on the attempted coup by the Indian army, we are now in a position to confirm that parts of the report are true. An attempt was made and stalled on that fateful night

Confirmed sources tell us that an attempt had indeed been made, India had been periliously close to an army rule and Manmohan Singh becoming just a silent ceremonial stooge. Much to our chagrin and later pride we have learnt that this attempt of the army was stalled neither by the Defense ministry, nor the Judiciary, It was a brave effort by a Haryana police constable that ensured that the air you are breathing as of now is a democratic one.

We have given below excerpts of a recorded conversation between the army commander Lt Gen Ak Singh and Suresh Tokas the constable at the road blockage outside Najafgarh.

Gen: Constable, Yeh Blockade hatao

Constable: Arey Chodu Singh, Tu hain kaun, Na Minister hain koi, Na Inspector hain, Manne bol raha hain ki chaukhat khol dey

Gen: Hum Northern Infantry ke commander hain aur hum Coup karne jaa rahe hain Delhi

Constable: Abey Baawlipoonch, Bade naye shauk paal rakhe hain army waalon ney, Koooo Koooo karne Dilli jaaney ki kya zaroorat hain, Tu kahein toh yahin bulale naachne waaliyon ko. Koyal si teri boli.. Coup Coup Coup Coup… Coup Coup Coup Coup

Gen: Constable, How dare you !!!, Tumhe pata hain tu kissey baat kar raha hain…

Constable: Naaaa… Tere ko bhi nahin jaanta, tere baap ko bhi nahin jaanta.. Abey Roz paala padtha hain Dilli ke londo se.. Yo sab kahin aur jaake boliyoh..

Gen: Tum samajh nahi rahe ho. Humara jaana zaroori hain

Constable: Dekh Bhaya, Thand ka Mausam hain, Kuch Haath Garam karne ka Sadhan hain toh bol.. Idhar tu pocket dheeli kar, idhar main security dheeli kar deta hoon

Gen: Constable, Yeh Indian army hain, Yeh Coup mey bhi ek misaal kayam karti hain… Removing Corruption is our primary objective, we cannot give you what you asking for

Constable: Matbal.. Gen Saab..aap meri baat samjhe nahin… Aap jaayengey Dilli, Ban jaayege bade aadmi, Hum toh yahin isi Roadblock ki duty kar rahe honga na..

Captain Sharma (who had been silent till now): Sir, Kya iski bak-bak sun rahe ho, hamara paas Bofors Gun hain, 120 round per minute waali LMG hain,supersonic MIG vimaan hain… Iskey paas kya hain…

Constable: Mere paas.. Mere paas Laathi hain Beti@#$@#…

Gen: Dekho Constable, iam giving you 15 seconds to remove this blockade.. otherwise ill have to order to forcibly remove you guys..

Constable: Now visibly palpitating… Sirjee baat kar lete hain na please…

Gen: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9,8,7…..

Orderly running towards General: Sir Sir,, A boy has fallen into a well in Orissa…

Gen: So…

Orderly: They want us for rescue operations..

Gen: Damn this.. Had to happen today only… Sharma, Give the order to retreat.. Constable, we will be back…

Constable: phew!!!!!

As the convoy retreated, the other constable who was watching this exchange without coming close, came to our constable and asked him.. :Nai, Keey hoya bhai, Sab theek thaak toh hain”

Constable: ” Kuch nahin Ramsevak, Army waala tha, Dilli jaana chahta tha.. Maine Keh Diya seatbelt ke bina na jaaney doonga.. Uskey Tank mey thaa hi nahin.. Wapas chala gaya”

We got in touch with eminent personalities from various fields and asked them their opinion on Constable Suresh Tokas..

Said Rohit Bal ” Tokas is the symbol of a resurgent India, fighting against all odds. My fall collection is dedicated to this man and will be called THOK ASS.. Taslima Nasreen was however shocked to learn that the entire episode didnt feature a single woman “This is a prime example of male chauvinism, if a female had been in charge of the military batallion we would have a woman president today… Oh wait…”

While we expect the whole country to rejoice the arrival of this new hero, political parties to fall over each other to incorporate him into the party, Tokas was last seen trying to haggle with a couple caught making out.

Even as we were going into print, Mahesh Bhatt, Suhel Seth and Arundhati Roy remained unavailable for comments.